What if I were perfect – exactly as I am and exactly as I’m not?
What if I didn’t spend every minute of every day thinking, being and doing things to make myself anything but what I am right now, in this moment?
What if I didn’t make myself wrong and bad for being too much this and not enough that?
Too weak, too fat, too sad, too resigned, too flaky, too tired.
Not strong enough, not thin enough, not committed enough, not motivated enough, not inspirational enough.
What if I didn’t cry when I went to the store and couldn’t find what I needed in my size? What if I didn’t make that mean that I don’t belong there, that I’m inferior, that I’m somehow broken?
What if the store is broken?
What if the ads and the movies and the tv shows and the Internet is broken and I’m perfect – exactly as I am and exactly as I’m not?
What if the feet that carry me up the mountains are perfect?
What if my soft belly and strong thighs are perfect?
What if my eating habits and sad feelings and discouragement are perfect? What if I were whole, complete and perfect right now, in this moment? Nothing to change. Nothing to be other than who I am, right here, right now.
On this Nourishing Camie journey, people say, “Keep it up!” And I hear: “You’re not good enough yet!” How I feel is run by what I eat and what I weigh. Am I a human being worthy of love, respect, joy, happiness and acceptance? I don’t know, let me check the scale.
I ate something “bad” and therefore I’m “bad” and might as well eat something else “bad” to escape the “bad” feelings. When I’m bad I don’t share. I hide from you. I think you’ll be disappointed in me. I think, “They want me to keep going, to lose weight, to be better/different/thinner” so anything other than losing more weight is a failure. That you won’t accept me accepting who I am and what I weigh today.
I have been bad and wrong since I was seven years old. Since I first heard the word “fat” aimed at me and I began to have shame around my body and my behaviour. I had seven years of being perfect. I’ve been “wrong” ever since. Gaining and losing, losing and gaining. Never right, never “there.” What is the magic number? When will I be perfect? Or acceptable? Or happy? If I’m “good” when I’m losing, that means I’m “bad” when I’m gaining or when I’m just the way I am.
What if I could let all of that go? What if I could be free? What if I could be joyful and powerful and alive and inspired and creative and inspirational no matter what I eat or weigh or look like?
What if I get to say how I feel? What if how it’s gone before isn’t how it has to go now? What if I get to create happiness and love and acceptance for me and for you exactly as we are and exactly as we’re not?
That’s the crazy thing! I do get to say!
I do get to create a possibility and live into that possibility. And when I fall (which is often and spectacularly), I get to stand up and create another possibility. I get to start over every day…every minute if necessary.
My word is powerful – whether I believe it or not. I’ve been giving my word to something that’s making me feel bad: if you’re not losing weight, you’re a failure, if you’re gaining weight, you’re on a death spiral back to the pits of hell from whence you came. That’s what my word has been and that’s what I’ve been living into: failure and the pits of hell. It hasn’t been a good time, I can assure you. Time to erase those words and get back to a clean page. Back to nothing. Back to perfect.
So, here it is. My new word. My new possibility:
This is it and it’s perfect. From nothing, who I am is the possibility of happiness, love and acceptance…no matter what.
I invite you to join me in accepting your perfection today.
What’s your possibility? I’d love to hear what you’re living into.
Love and Light,