Today I walked to a cafe to have coffee with a friend. I had an Americano. And an apple.
A month ago, that sentence may have looked more like: I drove to Tim’s for a double double and a 20-pack of Timbits to bring home and watch Netflix for 12 hours – curtains shut, doors locked. But then, of course, I wouldn’t have written anything at all.
After 30 days, I’m reflecting on the things that are changing beyond my food and activity. While I’m feeding my body the best way I can, I am also feeding my soul. I knew when I started this journey, that nourishing my soul would be the single most important factor in reducing my reliance on food for comfort. What has that meant?
Most significantly at the moment, I am spending time with people. My condition of food addiction/compulsive overeating/disordered eating is one that thrives in isolation. Shame, guilt, fear and a good dose of cynicism had me firmly planted on the couch where I was safe from people – ironic that the couch was killing me all the while. And so, I began engaging people and allowing them to engage me.
The friend I had coffee with today was one whose friendship I’d allowed to slip away because of pride, shame and hurt that really had nothing to do with her. Last week, when Jeni commented on one of my Facebook posts, it struck me powerfully how much I missed her. So I dropped her a line. And now, we’re hanging out drinking Americanos and eating apples like nobody’s business.
I cooked with my friend of 20 years Ceilidh last weekend (see Facebook for the pictures). There was a time Ceilidh and I worked together, lived together and spend all of our spare time together. Co-dependent? Yes! But we loved one another so fiercely and had such a tight bond, her mother once accused us of having our own language that no one else could understand. Since Ceilidh got married, had two little ones and moved to the suburbs, we’ve spend less and less time together over the last five years. Which makes sense – we have a lot less in common lifestyle-wise than we once did. On the other hand, why was I not making an effort to see one of the people I know loves me most in this world? It’s that kind of separation that my illness loves.
I made Easter eggs with Arne a few weeks ago. We’ve been friends for nearly 25 years – and again, the last couple of years have seen a drift. That day, this change in my life prompted a great conversation about life, love, food and family. A conversation that moved our relationship to an even deeper place.
I’ve had a emails, messages and phone calls from friends, family and strangers who have offered their stories, experiences and encouragement. I had a junior high crush give me a call to tell me I had an impact on his life all those years ago that helped shape who he is today. It blew my mind.
I’ve been welcoming new people into my life as well. Walking, talking, laughing, sharing and keeping the beast at bay. With friendship feeding my soul, my hands are not reaching for the food. As my life gets bigger, the number on the scale gets smaller and my spirit burns brighter.
As for those I haven’t had a chance to hook up with yet: stay where you are…I’m coming for you 🙂
And for those of you interested in the numbers:
Weight: 308 (down 11 lbs)
Total Weightloss: 22 lbs
Bust: 55 ( down 1″)
Waist: 50.5″ (down 1.5″ – 2.5 total)
Hips: 60″ (no change)
Total inches lost (3.5″)
Please note this is actually only a 28-day check-in as I won’t have time to do it on Day 30.